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About two weeks ago I got an e-mail from Jocie asking why the blog had been so quiet. I confessed that I had been hiding under my covers and having flashbacks. We discussed my symptoms and decided to work on this thread related to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
How did I turn into such a blubbering stressed out mess? The answer to most parents of a child with FASD is easy. Can we say sleep deprivation from 24/7 surveillance? It is not just the children themselves that stress us out. It is the professionals who just don’t get it. We can point to meetings with the school, law enforcement, social workers, and doctors. At FAS FRI we call these the intervention touch points. Maybe it is time to rename them the PTSD stress points. But why am I so stressed now? Jamie has been living in her own apartment for several years and I have not spoken to the police for 30 months - In A Row.
“Why now?” has to do with getting sick seven months ago. I knew that if I was going to live I would have to do some serious life work but had no idea what that might be. My healing journey started with my rheumatologist. Instead of telling me that my symptoms were aggravated by stress and sending me home, he gave me some referrals. So far I’ve seen a stress management doctor for biofeedback, an energy management doctor, and a back pain specialist.
It is the stress and energy management doctors who have turned my life inside out. Before them and their silly little exercises I was doing quite well at suppressing my memories, thank you. Of course this was taking every ounce of energy I possessed but by holding all my muscles cramped tight I did not have to deal with what has been imprinted on every cell of my body. It is time to let go.
The exercises should have been easy. They were not. They sounded like so much mumbo jumbo especially the one where I was supposed to stop what I was doing five times a day and repeat “I am wonderful, I am super, I am fantastic. and I love myself.” This may be an easy thing for some people to do and if it is easy for you that is great. It was not easy for me. It was almost impossible to force myself to do this simple little exercise. My experience as a mom told me that if something that sounded so easy was that hard for me to do then I probably needed to do it. UGH!
It was the few simple exercises especially the self affirmations that set me free to remember, feel, and process what I have been living through. Of course I am more than a mom with a child (now and adult) with FASD. I have had family traumas that come bubbling to the surface and make me angry or make me cry and which had nothing to do with my FASD child. Some of my work in the church rivals anything we encounter as parents of kids with FASD, but, come to think of it, I am convinced that FASD was a factor in the rapes, murders and suicides happening in our church community thirty years ago. Those memories have come flooding back and I am emotionally up and down and generally unstable.
Fortunately, I have had the stress management doc to help me deal with all of this. He keeps assuring me that I am not crazy. These things really have happened and the emotions that I did not express at the time are going to come out. It is best that they be expressed as tears, anxiety or anger rather than another stroke.
I know that I am still in the middle of this stress muddle and may have much more work to do before I am well. However,the peculiar thing about all of the depression and anxiety is that with all the appropriate support I’ve had, they are getting boring. I am just not into self pity. My exercises are self affirming not pitiful. I am ready to be done with this garbage and live.
Sometime in the past few hours the very tough lady who maintained her poise while dealing with all that hell had to throw at her, has come back, taken a look around and said, “Yup, that is what happened. I’d do it all over again. I handled nearly impossible situations better than many if not most people would. I am proud of myself. If I need to cry now, I am tough enough to do that. If anxiety wakes me up in the middle of the night I am tough enough to be anxious or afraid. I have worked for it. I have earned the right to grieve or be anxious. I will do what I need to do. I can and will survive.”
Delinda McCann
October 7th, 2008 at 8:05 pm Kind of goofy that you have to save up all that emotional turmoil and cope with it all at once, but if you think about it, that’s kind of the point of PTSD. If you break down in the middle of a war or a tsunami or a famine or while you are being attacked by saber-tooth tigers, you’ll probably get shot, drowned and/or eaten. The people who can effectively and efficiently postpone the breakdown are the ones who survive until they have enough leisure and resources to lie around coping with that tiger attack they survived forty years ago. Very efficient survival tool. luv mm
October 21st, 2008 at 9:36 am I am currently enrolled in a Wellness class, which includes a writting component. I have no problem writing about the events in my life and the feelings I have about what happened, and that is very helpful. I wish I had started a journel years ago. But the class itself is stressful and adding stress is not a good thing for me. Why do we do this to ourselves?:)
November 23rd, 2008 at 6:12 pm I think I also suffer from PTSD to some extent. We have 2 adopted kids with FASD, now ages 18 and 19 and also had custody of their two younger sisters who have Conduct Disorder and Attachment Disorder. The last 8 years in particular have been pure hell! In June we placed the youngest girl in a therapeutic group home. A couple of months ago our oldest daughter started running again and for the last month she has been staying with her biological aunt. We only have our 18 year old son at home now, along with his girlfriend who had to leave a very violent situation at home, but that’s another story. Now that things have calmed down a bit I am absolutely EXHAUSTED!
December 8th, 2008 at 11:52 pm Thank you for writing about feelings I haven’t even had time to let surface. I am frustrated about not having any help where we live. No mental health for children here. Educating the “professionals” is so difficult. I am 60, a single parent, my adopted daughter is 8. I also have 2 non ambulatory daughters. 6 yr old is adopted, 4 yr old I am trying to adopt. The 2 of them are a piece of cake compared to my FASD daughter. Thanks to all of you. I love your honesty and truthfulness.
December 16th, 2008 at 12:48 am Stopping by to see how your have been doing with the PTSD and if you have come out from under the covers… Wonder if you have room to share a corner? It’s hard and I know right now I am dealing with my own in silence as what caused it just can’t be written about to protect the guilty… One day at a time and hope to see you post soon… lest I worry you are still under that blanket ?
January 3rd, 2009 at 4:19 pm Hey all! My name is Steven and I am new around here [url=http://www.acairainforest.com]:)[/url]. So far this is an excellent resource of information and I have spent a lot of time reading. Look forward to hearing from you!
February 1st, 2009 at 2:40 pm I am the adoptive mom of a FAS/RADISH/BiPolar, ADHD, etc etc etc and became a first level reiki master to help my daughter.I,too, write about my experiences as a challenged parent on a blog I have kept for 2 years with many dips in the road of raising this special child. In my constant quest for ways to improve her (and residually) the life of our family, I tried a magnetic sleep system and got her off sleeping meds she had been on since she was 3 years old. I write more about ellie and my challenges as an FAS parent at www.gertz-pileofideas.blogspot.com and am now telling every FAS parent I know about this sleep system (see the website above).
March 5th, 2009 at 6:31 am Very nice.
March 16th, 2009 at 8:03 pm I have resurfaced from my blankets to grab some air. Between changes at FAS FRI (We lost all funding), my health, and the demands of helping the daughter with FAS with her business I confess I have not attended to the blog as I had visions of doing. Silly me, I had grand visions of having a life of leisure to sit and write - totally out of touch with reality. - Delinda
March 21st, 2009 at 5:15 am I am a mother of three adopted children. My boys are fas, my daughter nas. They are adults now. I had no support; my husband left when the children were young. I went through hell and back and raised them without help. Daycare was impossible and school traumatic for all. If I could have found a sitter that could cope with my children - well that just didn’t work either. I truly believed that my parenting was at fault. I made poor decisions out of desperation. I feel guilty all of the time for mistakes I made. I just found out a short time ago that there was support. I feel that there was nothing left of me that I have given it all in the struggle to see my children through to adulthood. They are healthy, and living independently. I have two lovely grandchildren. I am burnt out and looking at yet another birthday. I don’t think I could manage the energy to blow out the candles on a cake. I read your blog and realized that all the years of anti-depressants,nightmares; councilors, and antacids that I have gone through haven’t done nearly as much as understanding that there are others who have shared in this amazing journey. My children are doing well, and if they scrap their knees I am still there with the bandaids, but it happens rarely now. I ask myself all the time “Now What?” I don’t remember how to take care of myself. I have discovered this blog tonight. Thank you
May 13th, 2009 at 7:41 am Nice ! :).. Thanks buddy..